Teaching Children About Strangers and Personal Safety

Teaching children about strangers is tricky. You want them to be cautious without being fearful, aware without being anxious. The old "stranger danger" approach has given way to more nuanced teaching that helps children recognize potentially dangerous situations while still interacting appropriately with the world.

Rethinking "Stranger Danger" NCMEC

The traditional "stranger danger" message has problems:

Why it doesn't work:

• Most abuse comes from people children know
• Children can't accurately identify "bad" strangers
• All adults are strangers at first, including teachers, coaches, babysitters
• Some strangers are helpers (police, firefighters, store clerks)
• Fear-based approaches can increase anxiety without improving safety

Better approach: "Tricky People"
Instead of fearing all strangers, teach children to recognize problematic behaviors—regardless of whether the person is known or unknown.

The "Tricky People" Concept NCMEC

Tricky people are adults who:

• Ask children for help (adults should ask other adults)
• Ask children to keep secrets from parents
• Ask children to break family rules
• Try to get children alone
• Make children feel uncomfortable

Safe adults:

• Follow rules
• Respect boundaries
• Don't ask children to keep secrets
• Don't try to isolate children

Teach children: "A safe adult would never ask a child for help. If an adult needs help finding their puppy, they should ask another adult."

Age-Appropriate Teaching AAP

### Toddlers and Preschoolers (2-5 years)

Concepts to introduce:

• Stay with trusted adults
• Always ask permission before going anywhere
• Your body belongs to you
• Some touches are not okay
• Tell a trusted adult if something makes you uncomfortable

Simple rules:

• "Always stay where I can see you"
• "Always ask me before going anywhere with anyone"
• "No secrets about your body"

How to teach:

• Role play simple scenarios
• Use books and stories
• Keep explanations simple and concrete
• Lots of repetition

### Early Elementary (5-8 years)

Expanded concepts:

• What to do if separated from parents
• Recognizing tricky people behaviors
• Difference between surprises and secrets
• Trusted adults list
• What to do if someone makes them uncomfortable

Skills to practice:

• Saying "no" firmly
• Getting away from uncomfortable situations
• Telling a trusted adult
• What to say if approached: "I need to ask my parents first"

### Older Elementary (9-12 years)

More sophisticated concepts:

• Online safety and strangers
• Recognizing grooming behaviors
• Peer pressure and safety
• Walking alone safety
• Understanding why predators target children

Practical skills:

• Buddy system
• Safe phone use
• What to do in various scenarios
• Emergency calling

### Teenagers

Focus on:

• Online predators and safety
• Dating safety
• Trust your instincts
• How predators target teens
• Substance use and vulnerability

Core Safety Messages NCMEC

### "No, Go, Tell"

Teach children this three-step response:

1. NO - Say no loudly and firmly
2. GO - Get away from the situation
3. TELL - Tell a trusted adult what happened

Practice this response until it's automatic.

### The Body Safety Rule

Teach children:

• Your body belongs to you
• No one should touch private parts (areas covered by a bathing suit)
• No one should ask you to touch their private parts
• No one should show you pictures of private parts
• If anyone does these things, it's not your fault—tell a trusted adult

### No Secrets About Your Body

The difference between secrets and surprises:

• Surprises are fun and temporary (birthday party)
• Secrets are not okay, especially about bodies
• "Anyone who asks you to keep a secret about your body is not a safe person"

Building a Safety Network AAP

Create a "Trusted Adults" list:

• 3-5 adults children can go to for help
• Include family and non-family members
• Review regularly
• Children should know names and contact info

Teach children:

• Who their trusted adults are
• How to reach them
• That they can tell any trusted adult anything
• To keep telling until someone helps

Practical Safety Skills NCMEC

### If Lost in Public

Teach children to:

• Stay where they are (makes finding easier)
• Look for a "safe stranger" (mom with children, store employee, police)
• Never leave the store/area with someone
• Know parent's full name and phone number

### If Approached by a Stranger

What to do:

• Keep distance (arm's length rule)
• Say "I need to ask my parents"
• Walk away toward other people
• Tell a trusted adult what happened

### If Someone Tries to Grab Them

Fight back:

• Scream loudly
• Yell "Help! This is not my parent!"
• Kick, bite, scratch—fight to get away
• Run toward people and safety
• Never stop fighting

Online Safety NCMEC

Internet "strangers" are real strangers:

• People online can lie about who they are
• Never share personal information
• Never agree to meet an online contact
• Tell parents about any uncomfortable messages
• Never send photos

Red flags online:

• Asking for personal information
• Asking to keep conversations secret
• Asking to move to private chats
• Requests for photos
• Attempts to meet in person

Recognizing Grooming Behaviors NCMEC

Predators often:

• Pay special attention to a child
• Give gifts
• Offer special privileges
• Gradually test boundaries
• Try to isolate child from family
• Create "our secret" scenarios
• Make children feel special or chosen

Teach children:

• Adults who give lots of gifts or attention may be testing boundaries
• Any adult who asks for secrets is not safe
• It's okay to tell on adults, even nice ones
• Trust their uncomfortable feelings

Keeping the Conversation Going AAP

Make it ongoing:

• Regular check-ins, not one big talk
• Use teachable moments (news stories, TV shows)
• Ask "what would you do if..."
• Praise them for sharing concerns
• Respond calmly to disclosures

Create openness:

• Never punish for telling
• Believe children who disclose
• Stay calm when they share
• Thank them for telling

Avoiding Fear-Based Approaches AAP

Balance caution with confidence:

• Don't create excessive fear
• Focus on empowerment, not fear
• Teach skills, not just dangers
• Maintain a sense of safety
• Children shouldn't be suspicious of every adult

Frame positively:

• "Here's what to do if..." not "This terrible thing could happen"
• Focus on their power to stay safe
• Acknowledge most people are good
• Skills give them control

The Bottom Line

Teaching children about strangers and safety is about building skills, not fear. Move beyond "stranger danger" to teaching children to recognize tricky behaviors from anyone—known or unknown. Use "No, Go, Tell" as a simple response, establish trusted adults, and keep conversations ongoing. Empowered children who trust their instincts and know they can always tell are safer than fearful children.

Clara can help you find age-appropriate ways to discuss safety with your children!