Sleep Anxiety in Children: When Bedtime Brings Worry and Fear

Every night becomes a battle. Your child clings to you, tearfully begging you not to leave. They need the door open, the hall light on, another check-in, and another. Or maybe they lie awake for hours, unable to turn off their worried thoughts. Bedtime, which should be peaceful, has become the most stressful part of the day.

Sleep anxiety in children is more common than you might think—and more distressing for everyone involved. Understanding what's happening and having effective strategies can transform bedtime from a battleground into the peaceful end-of-day it should be. AAP

Understanding Sleep Anxiety

Sleep anxiety isn't just "not wanting to go to bed." It's genuine fear and worry related to sleep, the darkness, separation, or what might happen during the night. NSF

Common fears that drive sleep anxiety:

• Fear of the dark
• Fear of being alone
• Fear of something happening to parents while separated
• Fear of intruders or "bad guys"
• Fear of nightmares
• Fear of dying during sleep
• Generalized anxiety that intensifies at bedtime

Why bedtime intensifies anxiety:

• Quiet + dark = no distractions from worries
• Separation from parents
• Loss of control while sleeping
• The mind naturally processes fears at rest
• Physical symptoms of anxiety (racing heart, stomach ache) are more noticeable in stillness

Why Some Children Develop Sleep Anxiety

Several factors can contribute: AAP

Developmental stages:

• Preschoolers naturally develop fears (imagination blooming)
• School-age children can worry about real-world events
• Big transitions trigger anxiety (new school, move, new sibling)

Temperament:

• Some children are naturally more anxious
• Sensitive children may be more affected by scary content
• Children who need control may struggle with sleep (loss of control)

Experience:

• Exposure to scary media
• Trauma or difficult life events
• A bad experience at night (nightmare, illness)
• Hearing about frightening events (news, adult conversations)

Family factors:

• Parental anxiety (children pick up on it)
• Inconsistent bedtime responses
• Major family stress
• Changes in routine

Signs of Sleep Anxiety

Behavioral signs:

• Stalling and delaying bedtime excessively
• Crying when it's time to go to bed
• Frequent requests for parent presence
• Getting out of bed repeatedly
• Needing specific rituals to feel safe
• Refusing to sleep alone
• Coming to parent's room at night

Physical symptoms:

• Stomach aches at bedtime
• Headaches at bedtime
• Racing heart
• Nausea
• Sweating
• Trouble breathing

Cognitive signs:

• Expressing specific fears
• "What if" thinking
• Catastrophizing ("What if there's a fire?")
• Difficulty turning off thoughts
• Asking repeated questions for reassurance

What NOT to Do

Well-meaning parents often do things that accidentally reinforce anxiety: AAP

Don't give excessive reassurance:

• Repeated "checking for monsters" validates there might be monsters
• Answering "What if" questions endlessly feeds the anxiety loop
• Multiple goodnight kisses become required, not comforting

Don't accommodate avoidance:

• Letting them sleep in your bed every night
• Staying until they're fully asleep
• Eliminating all sources of discomfort (any dark, any alone time)

Don't dismiss fears:

• "There's nothing to be scared of" doesn't help
• "Big kids don't cry" shames and worsens anxiety
• "Just go to sleep" ignores the real problem

Don't transfer your own anxiety:

• Checking on them repeatedly
• Seeming worried yourself
• Long, emotional goodbyes

Effective Strategies for Sleep Anxiety

Validate and normalize:

• "I can see you're feeling worried. That's a hard feeling."
• "Lots of kids feel this way. It gets better."
• Acknowledge without over-focusing

Teach coping skills: NSF

• Deep breathing (belly breathing, "smell the flowers, blow out candles")
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Positive visualization (imagine a happy place)
• Cognitive strategies ("Is that worry true?")

Create a security plan:

• Consistent routine = predictability = safety
• Night light at appropriate level
• Comforting sound (white noise, soft music)
• Security object (stuffed animal, blanket)
• A brief, predictable goodnight ritual

Gradual exposure:
Work up to sleeping independently in small steps:
1. Parent sits by bed until child falls asleep
2. Parent sits by door
3. Parent checks in every 5 minutes (then 10, then 15)
4. One check-in then independent sleep
5. Full independence

Worry time:

• Set aside 10-15 minutes earlier in the evening
• Let them voice all worries
• Problem-solve where possible
• Write worries down and "put them away" until tomorrow
• Bedtime is then worry-free

The Bravery Ladder Approach

For significant sleep anxiety, systematic desensitization works:

Step 1: Identify the fear (sleeping alone, dark, etc.)

Step 2: Create a ladder of steps from least to most anxiety-provoking

Step 3: Start at the bottom and practice until that step is easy

Step 4: Move up one step at a time

Example ladder for fear of sleeping alone:
1. Parent in room, lights on, door open (easy)
2. Parent in room, night light, door open
3. Parent in room, night light, door partially closed
4. Parent outside door, checks every 5 min, night light
5. Parent checks every 10 min, night light
6. Parent checks once after 15 min, night light
7. No check-in, night light
8. No check-in, dim night light or dark (goal)

Special Situations

After a scary event:
Anxiety is expected. Return to normal gradually while providing extra comfort temporarily. If it persists beyond a few weeks, seek help.

During family stress:
Maintain bedtime routine as a stable anchor. Provide extra connection during the day. Expect temporary regression.

If nightmares are driving the anxiety:
Address the nightmares specifically (see our nightmare guide). Nightmare anxiety can become a self-fulfilling cycle.

If anxiety is severe or persistent:
Seek professional help. A child psychologist or therapist who specializes in anxiety can provide CBT techniques that are very effective for sleep anxiety.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider professional support if: AAP

• Anxiety is severe and persistent (months, not weeks)
• Functioning is significantly impaired
• Your child has other anxiety symptoms during the day
• There's been a trauma
• You've tried strategies consistently without improvement
• Sleep is severely disrupted (very late sleep, frequent night waking)
• Your child is expressing hopelessness or dark thoughts

What Other Parents Ask

Q: Should I let my child sleep in my bed if they're scared?
A: Occasionally during acute stress is fine. Regularly, it reinforces that their own bed isn't safe. Better approach: Comfort in their room, gradual independence. NSF

Q: Will my child ever grow out of this?
A: Most children's sleep anxiety improves significantly with age and appropriate support. Teaching coping skills now gives them tools for life.

Q: Is a night light okay or does it reinforce fear of the dark?
A: Night lights are fine and developmentally appropriate. They don't reinforce fear—they provide genuine comfort and can be dimmed gradually.

Q: My child asks the same "what if" questions every night. How do I respond?
A: Limit reassurance. "We've talked about that. You know you're safe. What's something you can think about instead?" Redirect to a coping strategy rather than answering repeatedly.

The Bottom Line

Sleep anxiety is common and treatable. The key is validating feelings while not accommodating avoidance, teaching coping skills, and gradually building independence. With consistent, calm support, most children overcome sleep anxiety.

Key points:

• Sleep anxiety is genuine fear, not manipulation
• Bedtime intensifies worry because of quiet and separation
• Avoid excessive reassurance and accommodation
• Teach coping skills: breathing, relaxation, visualization
• Use gradual exposure to build independence
• Create a "worry time" earlier in the evening
• Seek help if anxiety is severe or persistent

Clara is here to help you support your child through sleep anxiety.