Separation Anxiety in Babies: Why It Happens and How to Help

Your baby used to go happily to anyone. Now they cling to you, cry when you leave the room, and scream when you try to hand them to grandma. What happened? Welcome to separation anxiety—a normal, healthy (if exhausting) developmental milestone that means your baby's brain is growing exactly as it should.

What Is Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety is the distress babies feel when separated from their primary caregiver—usually a parent. It's characterized by crying, clinginess, and resistance to being left with others, even familiar people. AAP

Typical timeline:

• 6-8 months: Often begins around this age
• 8-14 months: Peak intensity
• 18-24 months: Usually begins improving
• May resurface: During stress, illness, or transitions (new sibling, starting daycare)

What it looks like:

• Crying when you leave the room or their sight
• Clinginess and wanting to be held constantly
• Resistance to going to other caregivers
• Waking at night looking for you
• Following you everywhere (even the bathroom)
• Distress when handed to others, even familiar faces

Why Separation Anxiety Happens

This isn't regression or a behavior problem—it's cognitive development: AAP

Object permanence:
Around 6-9 months, babies develop "object permanence"—understanding that things (and people) continue to exist when out of sight. Before this, when you left the room, you essentially ceased to exist. Now your baby knows you're somewhere—they just don't know if you're coming back.

Attachment:
Your baby has formed a strong attachment to you as their source of safety and security. This is healthy. When you leave, their secure base disappears, which feels genuinely frightening.

Limited understanding of time:
Babies can't comprehend "I'll be back in five minutes." To them, your departure could be forever. They have no context for when (or if) you'll return.

This is a GOOD sign:
Separation anxiety indicates secure attachment—your baby has bonded with you and trusts you as their safe person. Babies who don't show any separation anxiety may actually have attachment concerns.

Strategies That Help

You can't eliminate separation anxiety (and shouldn't try to), but you can help your baby cope: AAP

### Practice Short Separations

Start small:

• Leave the room briefly while baby plays
• Return before distress escalates
• Gradually increase separation time
• Let baby experience that you always come back

Narrate your actions:

• "Mommy is going to the kitchen. I'll be right back."
• "I hear you! I'm coming!"
• This teaches that departure is followed by return

### Create Goodbye Rituals

Keep goodbyes:

• Brief and consistent
• Calm and confident
• The same each time

A sample routine:
1. Hug and kiss
2. Simple phrase: "Mommy loves you. I'll be back after your nap."
3. Wave goodbye
4. Leave

What NOT to do:

• Sneak out (breaks trust and increases anxiety)
• Drag out goodbyes (makes it harder)
• Return after you've said goodbye (teaches that crying brings you back)
• Show your own anxiety (babies read your emotions)

### Time Departures Strategically

Leave when baby is:

• Fed and rested
• Engaged with something interesting
• In a good mood

Avoid leaving when:

• Baby is tired, hungry, or sick
• Going through a particularly anxious phase
• Just woke up

### Work With Other Caregivers

Prepare the handoff:

• Have the caregiver arrive early
• Let baby warm up while you're present
• Start an engaging activity together
• Then do your brief goodbye

Consistency helps:

• Same caregiver when possible
• Same goodbye routine
• Same comfort items

What About Crying at Drop-Off?

Many parents worry about daycare or babysitter drop-offs. Here's what helps: AAP

Know that:

• Most babies calm down within 10-15 minutes of parent leaving
• Providers are experienced with separation anxiety
• Crying at drop-off doesn't mean all-day misery

What to do:

• Trust your caregiver
• Do your goodbye routine
• Leave when you say you will
• Ask for updates if it helps you feel better
• Know that your return is the best part of baby's day

What makes it worse:

• Coming back when you hear crying
• Hovering or peeking
• Extended goodbyes
• Your own visible distress

Nighttime Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety often disrupts sleep, as bedtime represents a long separation:

Signs:

• Fighting bedtime
• Wanting you to stay in the room
• Increased night waking
• Needing more help to fall asleep

What helps:

• Consistent, calming bedtime routine
• Practice brief separations during the day
• Comfort object (lovey, blanket)
• Check-ins if needed, but keep them brief
• Gentle reassurance: "I'm here. It's time to sleep."

What to avoid:

• Creating new sleep associations that require your presence
• Dramatic changes to sleep routine
• Extended middle-of-night interactions

This phase usually passes. If you need to be more present temporarily, know that you can gradually reduce involvement once anxiety improves.

When Separation Anxiety Is More Intense

Some babies experience separation anxiety more strongly or for longer. This may happen if: AAP

Situational factors:

• New sibling
• Starting daycare
• Moving
• Parent returning to work
• Illness or hospitalization
• Caregiver change

Temperamental factors:

• Some babies are naturally more cautious or slow-to-warm
• Sensitivity to change
• Higher baseline anxiety

What to do:

• Extra patience and consistency
• More gradual transitions
• Extra connection time when together
• Discuss with your pediatrician if it seems extreme or doesn't improve

What Not to Do

Some well-meaning approaches backfire: AAP

Don't:

• Sneak away—this makes anxiety worse, not better
• Force baby to go to people they're afraid of
• Dismiss feelings: "You're fine, stop crying"
• Return immediately when baby cries (after you've said goodbye)
• Avoid all separations (they need practice)
• Show your own distress about leaving

Don't feel guilty:

Separation is a normal part of life. Brief separations help babies learn that:

• You always come back
• They can cope
• Other caregivers are safe
• The world is manageable

When to Seek Help

Talk to your pediatrician if: AAP

• Anxiety seems extreme (screaming for hours, vomiting)
• Doesn't improve at all after several months
• Interferes significantly with sleep, eating, or development
• Occurs with other concerning symptoms
• You're struggling to manage your own emotions about it

Occasional professional guidance from your pediatrician is normal and helpful.

For the Exhausted Parent

Separation anxiety is hard on you, too. You may feel:

• Guilty about leaving
• Frustrated by the clinginess
• Exhausted by the demands
• Touched out from constant holding
• Conflicted about work or personal time

Remember:

• This phase is temporary
• Needing breaks doesn't make you a bad parent
• Your baby can handle brief separations
• Other caregivers are capable and loving
• You'll both get through this

The Bottom Line

Separation anxiety is a healthy sign of secure attachment. Your baby loves you so much that being apart feels scary. While you can't fast-forward through this phase, you can help by being consistent, confident, and calm during separations.

Keep practicing, keep returning, and keep showing your baby that the world is safe and that you always come back. That's the lesson they need to learn—and they will.

Clara is here if you're struggling with separation anxiety at drop-off, bedtime, or anytime.