Self-Soothing: Helping Your Baby Learn to Settle

"Self-soothing" is a term you'll hear a lot in baby sleep discussions. It refers to a baby's ability to calm themselves down and fall asleep without parental help. This is a skill that develops over time—babies aren't born knowing how to do it.

Understanding what self-soothing actually is, when it develops, and how to support it can help you navigate your baby's sleep journey.

What Is Self-Soothing? AAP

Definition:
Self-soothing is the ability to calm down from an aroused state and transition into sleep without external help. For babies, this might look like:

• Sucking on fingers or thumb
• Finding a comfortable position
• Rubbing face or feet on mattress
• Making calming sounds
• Looking at something familiar
• Simply lying quietly until sleep comes

What it's NOT:

• Baby ignoring their own needs
• Baby "giving up" on getting help
• Something you force a baby to do
• A skill all babies have at birth

Important clarification:
Self-soothing is a developmental skill that emerges over time. Young babies physically cannot self-soothe—their brains aren't mature enough. The ability develops gradually, typically after 4-6 months.

When Do Babies Develop Self-Soothing? AAP

Newborns (0-3 months):

• Cannot self-soothe
• Need external regulation (you!)
• This is developmentally appropriate
• Responding to baby builds security

4-6 months:

• Beginning ability to self-soothe
• Some babies start earlier, some later
• Still need lots of parental support
• Can start encouraging self-soothing with support

6-12 months:

• Self-soothing skills developing
• Many babies can fall asleep with less help
• Individual variation is huge
• Some babies take longer (and that's okay)

Toddlers:

• Most have developed self-soothing
• May still need help during stress or illness
• Continue to refine these skills

How Babies Self-Soothe NSF

Physical strategies:

• Thumb or finger sucking
• Rubbing face or head on surface
• Playing with hair or ears
• Rhythmic body movements
• Finding comfortable position

What they need from environment:

• Consistent sleep space
• Familiar sounds (white noise)
• Darkness
• Comfortable temperature
• Safe, secure feeling

Internal development:

• Circadian rhythm maturation
• Nervous system regulation
• Emotional security
• Understanding that sleep is coming

The Role of Attachment in Self-Soothing AAP

Secure attachment helps:

• Baby feels safe
• Baby trusts their needs will be met
• This security allows baby to relax
• Confident babies self-soothe more easily

Responding to your baby doesn't prevent self-soothing:

• Responding builds security
• Security helps self-regulation develop
• You cannot "spoil" a baby by responding
• Especially in first 6 months, respond freely

The foundation:

• Baby learns to trust you
• Then learns to trust themselves
• Then can manage without you
• This takes time

Strategies to Encourage Self-Soothing NSF

Create optimal conditions:

• Dark room (very dark)
• White noise (consistent, comforting)
• Cool temperature (68-72°F)
• Consistent sleep space
• Calming bedtime routine

"Drowsy but awake":

• Put baby down when sleepy, not asleep
• Baby experiences falling asleep in crib
• May not work for all babies
• Try at bedtime first (easiest)

Pause before responding:

• Wait a moment when baby fusses at night
• Baby may settle without help
• Just a few seconds or a minute
• Not for young babies or real distress

Give baby time:

• Some fussing before sleep is normal
• Baby is settling in, getting comfortable
• Distinguish fussing from crying
• Trust baby can figure it out

Consistent routine:

• Same steps each night
• Signals sleep is coming
• Baby knows what to expect
• Reduces stress around bedtime

What About Sleep Training? AAP

Sleep training and self-soothing:

• Sleep training methods teach self-soothing
• Baby learns to fall asleep independently
• Various methods exist (not all involve crying)
• Personal family choice

Methods range from:

• Gradual withdrawal (stay and slowly reduce support)
• Pick up/put down (comfort then replace)
• Timed checks (check at intervals)
• Full extinction (check only if needed)

Research shows:

• Sleep training doesn't harm attachment AAP
• Babies don't feel "abandoned"
• Methods are effective when used consistently
• Parents' mental health often improves

It's also okay not to sleep train:

• Many babies develop self-soothing naturally
• Some families prefer other approaches
• No single "right" way
• Do what works for YOUR family

Common Questions About Self-Soothing

Is it okay if my baby needs me to fall asleep?

• Yes, especially if it's working for your family
• Many babies need parental help longer
• This doesn't mean something is wrong
• You can work on independence whenever you want

Will my baby ever self-soothe if I keep helping them?

• Yes, most children eventually learn
• Timeline varies greatly
• Helping your baby is not "creating bad habits"
• You can always work on it later

How do I know if my baby is ready to self-soothe?

• Generally after 4-6 months
• Can stay awake during feeding without falling asleep
• Shows signs of self-calming (sucking fingers, etc.)
• Goes to sleep without complete meltdown when put down drowsy

Self-Soothing Strategies By Age NSF

0-4 months:

• Don't expect self-soothing
• Focus on consistent routine
• Swaddling can help
• White noise provides external regulation
• You ARE baby's self-soothing right now

4-6 months:

• Can start encouraging
• Try drowsy but awake at bedtime
• Give baby a minute to settle before responding
• Notice any self-soothing behaviors emerging
• Still provide lots of support

6-12 months:

• More likely to succeed
• Can use various methods
• Be consistent with approach
• Naps may take longer than nights
• Pacifier or lovey can help (lovey after 12 months for safety) AAP

12+ months:

• Most babies have some self-soothing ability
• Comfort object can help
• Verbal reassurance works better
• Routines remain important

When Self-Soothing Doesn't Work

Some babies need more help:

• High needs or sensitive babies
• Babies with reflux or pain
• Babies going through developmental leaps
• During illness or teething

What to do:

• Meet baby where they are
• Provide extra comfort during hard times
• Don't force it
• Try again when baby is ready

Consider:

• Is something else going on (illness, ear infection)?
• Is baby overtired?
• Is the environment optimal?
• Is baby truly ready developmentally?

Supporting Without "Sleep Training" AAP

If you don't want to sleep train, you can still encourage self-soothing:

Start with putting down awake sometimes:

• First nap of day is easiest
• Bedtime easier than middle of night
• If baby fusses, comfort and try again
• No pressure

Gradual approach:

• If you rock to sleep, rock less over time
• If you nurse to sleep, nurse until drowsy not asleep
• Slowly reduce intervention over weeks
• Very slow is still progress

Accept that it may take longer:

• Without sleep training, timeline is longer
• Baby may be older when sleeping independently
• This is okay
• No deadline

What Other Parents Ask

Q: Can I teach my 3-month-old to self-soothe?
A: Three months is very young for self-soothing. Focus on consistent routine and responding to your baby. Self-soothing skills typically emerge after 4-6 months. AAP

Q: My baby sucks their thumb to sleep. Is this self-soothing?
A: Yes! Thumb-sucking is a common self-soothing technique. Baby is using their own resources to calm down. This is a good thing.

Q: If I rock my baby to sleep, will they never learn to self-soothe?
A: No. Many babies who are rocked to sleep eventually learn to fall asleep independently. You can work on it when you're ready, or baby may transition naturally.

Q: Does self-soothing mean letting baby cry?
A: Not necessarily. Self-soothing means baby can calm themselves. Some babies learn this with parental support; others need more space. You don't have to let baby cry if you don't want to. NSF

Q: Why can my baby self-soothe for naps but not at night?
A: This is common. Daytime and nighttime sleep are different biologically. Many babies master one before the other. Keep working on consistency and it usually comes together.

The Bottom Line

Self-soothing is a developmental skill that helps babies fall asleep independently. It develops over time, typically after 4-6 months, and can be encouraged through consistent routines, optimal sleep environment, and giving baby opportunities to practice.

Key points:

• Self-soothing is a skill that develops over time
• Newborns cannot self-soothe—this is normal
• Responding to your baby builds security, which helps self-soothing
• You can encourage self-soothing or let it develop naturally
• Sleep training is one option but not the only one
• Every baby is different

Clara is here to help you support your baby's sleep development.