Understanding and Helping with Childhood Fears

When your child suddenly refuses to go upstairs alone, insists monsters are under the bed, or clings to you in terror at the sight of a dog, it's natural to feel concerned and unsure how to respond. Fear is a normal, protective part of childhood development—but watching your child experience fear can be distressing for parents. Understanding what fears are typical at different ages, why they develop, and how to help your child cope can transform these challenging moments into opportunities for growth and mastery.

Why Fear Is Normal and Even Healthy AAP

Fear exists to keep us safe. It's the body's alarm system, designed to alert us to potential danger and prepare us to respond. In children, fear develops alongside cognitive abilities—as children become able to imagine dangers, anticipate negative outcomes, and understand cause and effect, they also become capable of feeling afraid. AAP

The American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes that having fears is a normal part of development, and most childhood fears fade naturally with time and reassurance. AAP In fact, the absence of any fear would be concerning, as it might suggest difficulty perceiving danger.

What makes childhood fears challenging is that children's developing brains can imagine threats vividly but can't always distinguish real from imaginary dangers or assess risk accurately. A preschooler's brain is sophisticated enough to conjure a monster under the bed but not yet mature enough to reason that monsters don't exist. This developmental mismatch is why certain fears are so common at particular ages. CMI

Fears by Developmental Stage AAP

Understanding what fears are typical at each age helps you respond appropriately and avoid unnecessary worry.

Infants from birth to 12 months fear primarily what they perceive directly. Loud noises startle them—this is an inborn reflex. Around 6 to 8 months, stranger anxiety emerges as babies develop strong attachments and become wary of unfamiliar faces. Separation anxiety typically peaks around 10 to 18 months as babies understand that their caregiver exists even when out of sight but don't yet understand that they'll return. AAP

Toddlers from 1 to 3 years expand their repertoire of fears as they become more mobile and aware of their environment. They fear separation from parents, loud sounds like thunder, vacuum cleaners, or fireworks, large objects or people in costumes, changes in routine, and sometimes baths or water. These fears reflect both their increased awareness of the world and their limited ability to control it. CMI

Preschoolers from 3 to 5 years are in the golden age of imagination—and imaginative fears. Fear of the dark is nearly universal at this age. So are fears of monsters, ghosts, "bad guys," and other imaginary threats. Animals like dogs and insects are common fears, as are nightmares. The AAP notes that these fears are a direct result of cognitive development—the ability to imagine scenarios makes children capable of imagining threatening ones. AAP

School-age children from 6 to 12 years shift toward more realistic fears as they better understand the world. They worry about physical injury, illness, and death—including the death of family members. They fear natural disasters, violence, and things they hear about in news or media. Social fears emerge, including worry about school performance and peer rejection. Many children at this age worry about being home alone. CMI

What Drives Childhood Fears CMI

Understanding the sources of fear helps you respond effectively.

Cognitive development itself produces fears. As children's brains develop the capacity to imagine, anticipate, and remember, they become able to conjure frightening scenarios. The preschooler who suddenly fears the dark hasn't encountered new danger—they've developed new cognitive capacities. AAP

Learned fears come from observing others or experiencing negative events. Children who see a parent react with fear to spiders may develop spider fears. A child who has a frightening encounter with a dog may generalize that fear to all dogs. Media exposure—news coverage of violence, scary movies, even frightening commercials—can introduce fears that wouldn't otherwise exist. CMI

Temperament influences how prone children are to anxiety. Some children are naturally more cautious, sensitive, and reactive to potential threats. This temperamental tendency, while challenging, often reflects a more observant, thoughtful approach to the world. AAP

Life changes and stress can trigger or intensify fears. Starting school, moving, divorce, illness in the family, or the arrival of a new sibling can all manifest as increased fearfulness. Sometimes fears are displaced—a child stressed about school might develop a fear of dogs that's really about other worries. CMI

How to Help: Evidence-Based Approaches AAP

Responding effectively to childhood fears requires a balance of validation, support, and gradual encouragement toward mastery.

Validate their feelings first and always. Saying "there's nothing to be scared of" may seem reassuring, but it dismisses their experience and misses an opportunity to teach emotional skills. Instead, acknowledge the feeling: "I can see you're really scared. It's okay to feel that way. Lots of kids feel scared sometimes." This teaches children that emotions are acceptable and manageable. CMI

Listen without judgment. Let your child tell you about their fear without interrupting, minimizing, or immediately trying to fix it. Ask open-ended questions: "What does it feel like when you're scared?" "What do you think might happen?" Understanding their specific worry helps you address it appropriately. AAP

Provide calm, confident reassurance. Your response teaches your child how to handle fear. If you react with anxiety yourself, you reinforce that the situation is indeed scary. Project calm confidence while still validating their feelings. "I understand you're worried about the thunder. It sounds loud, but we're safe inside. I'm right here with you." CMI

Give them appropriate control. Feeling helpless intensifies fear; feeling in control reduces it. Let your child have a nightlight if they fear the dark, a flashlight they control, or a special stuffed animal. "Monster spray" (water in a spray bottle) may seem silly to adults, but it gives preschoolers a sense of power over imaginary threats. AAP

Teach coping skills appropriate to their age. Deep breathing, counting to ten, positive self-talk ("I am brave, I am safe"), and visualization of calm places are all skills children can learn. Practice these when your child is calm so they're available when fear strikes. CMI

Use gradual exposure carefully. The most effective treatment for fears is gradual, supported exposure—slowly approaching the feared thing in steps the child can tolerate. For a child afraid of dogs, this might mean looking at pictures of dogs, then watching dogs from far away, then being in the same room with a calm dog. Never force exposure—let the child set the pace while gently encouraging each small step forward. AAP

Model healthy coping. Children learn by watching you. Let them see you handle your own worries calmly. Talk through your coping process: "I feel nervous about this presentation, but I'm going to take some deep breaths and do my best." CMI

What Not to Do CMI

Some common parental responses, while well-intentioned, can make fears worse.

Don't force confrontation. Pushing a fearful child into the swimming pool, making them pet the dog, or insisting they sleep in complete darkness rarely cures fear—it usually intensifies it and damages trust. Flooding (overwhelming exposure) is not appropriate for children. CMI

Don't dismiss or ridicule. "That's silly," "there's nothing to be scared of," or "don't be a baby" may seem like rational responses, but they shame children for normal emotions and teach them not to share their feelings with you. AAP

Don't over-accommodate avoidance. While forced exposure is harmful, complete avoidance is also problematic. If you never leave your child because they're anxious about separation, or never go anywhere with dogs, you reinforce that the feared thing is truly dangerous. The goal is gradual, supported approach—not avoidance. CMI

Don't share your own fears excessively. Children learn fearfulness from observing anxious parents. While it's fine to acknowledge you have fears too, avoid making your child the witness or comforter of your anxiety. AAP

Limit frightening media exposure. News coverage of violence, disaster movies, scary TV shows, and even previews can introduce fears that wouldn't otherwise exist. Monitor what your child sees and be ready to discuss and process any frightening content. CMI

Specific Fear Strategies AAP

Different fears benefit from targeted approaches.

For fear of the dark, use a nightlight, glow-in-the-dark stars, or a flashlight your child controls. Do a "monster check" together before bed if it helps. Keep bedtime routines calm and predictable. Consider a special stuffed animal as a protector. Read books about friendly darkness or overcoming fear of the dark. AAP

For monster fears, acknowledge the fear without reinforcing belief in monsters. "Monster spray" gives your child a sense of control. Read books with friendly monster characters. Check closets and under the bed together if requested—this models calm investigation. Avoid scary media close to bedtime. CMI

For separation anxiety, practice brief separations and build up gradually. Always say goodbye—don't sneak away, as this damages trust and increases anxiety. Leave a comfort object with your child. Establish reunification rituals. Be warm but confident at drop-offs; lingering or returning when they cry usually increases distress. AAP

When Fears Become Phobias CMI

Most childhood fears are developmentally normal and fade with time. However, some fears become phobias—intense, persistent fears that significantly interfere with daily life. The Child Mind Institute identifies several signs that a fear has become problematic. CMI

The fear is intense and persistent, lasting many months. It causes significant distress that seems disproportionate to any actual danger. It interferes with daily activities—the child can't go to school, participate in normal activities, or function appropriately because of the fear. The child engages in extensive avoidance that limits their life. The fear is accompanied by panic symptoms like rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing, or vomiting. CMI

If you observe these patterns, professional help is warranted. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, particularly a type called exposure and response prevention, is highly effective for childhood anxiety and phobias. The AAP recommends consulting your pediatrician, who can assess the situation and refer to a child mental health specialist if appropriate. AAP

The Bottom Line

Childhood fears are normal, developmentally driven, and usually temporary. Understanding what fears are typical at each age helps you respond with calm confidence rather than worry. Validate your child's feelings, provide reassurance and comfort, teach coping skills, and encourage gradual approach to feared things—but never force confrontation.

Most fears fade naturally with time, reassurance, and the development of new cognitive abilities. When fears are intense, persistent, and interfering with daily life, professional help is available and effective.

Clara is here to help you think through your child's specific fears, troubleshoot strategies, or decide when it might be time to seek professional guidance. Don't hesitate to ask.