Bullying: Prevention, Recognition, and Response

Few things are more distressing for a parent than learning their child is being bullied. The feelings of anger, helplessness, and heartbreak can be overwhelming. Bullying is a serious issue that can have lasting impacts on mental health, academic performance, and social development. But with the right knowledge and approach, you can help your child navigate these difficult situations and emerge stronger. Understanding what constitutes bullying, recognizing the signs, and knowing how to respond effectively empowers you to be your child's most important advocate.

Understanding What Bullying Is—and Isn't SB

Not every conflict is bullying, and understanding the distinction matters for responding appropriately. StopBullying.gov, the federal government's resource on bullying prevention, defines bullying as aggressive behavior that is intentional, involves a power imbalance, and is repeated or has the potential to be repeated over time. SB

Physical bullying includes hitting, kicking, pushing, tripping, spitting, taking or destroying belongings, and making mean or rude hand gestures. Verbal bullying involves teasing, name-calling, taunting, threatening to cause harm, and inappropriate sexual comments. Social or relational bullying includes deliberately excluding someone, telling other children not to be friends with someone, spreading rumors, and publicly embarrassing someone. AAP

Cyberbullying uses technology to harass, threaten, embarrass, or target another person. This can include mean text messages or emails, rumors posted on social media, embarrassing photos or videos, and fake profiles created to humiliate. Cyberbullying can be particularly harmful because it can occur 24/7, reach a wide audience quickly, and be difficult to escape. SB

What isn't bullying includes single incidents of meanness (though these may still warrant attention), mutual conflict between children of equal power, and disagreements or normal social friction. These situations still need adult guidance, but they require different responses than true bullying. AAP

Recognizing Signs Your Child May Be Bullied AAP

Children often don't tell parents they're being bullied—out of embarrassment, fear that parents will make it worse, or belief that they should handle it themselves. Learning to recognize indirect signs is crucial.

Behavioral changes are often the first clue. Watch for reluctance or refusal to go to school (especially if previously enjoyed it), changes in eating patterns (not eating at school, coming home hungry, or binge eating), sleep disturbances including nightmares, declining grades or loss of interest in schoolwork, unexplained loss of possessions or need for extra money, coming home with damaged or missing belongings, and avoiding social situations they previously enjoyed. AAP

Emotional changes accompany behavioral ones. You may notice your child seems sad, anxious, or withdrawn, has declining self-esteem or makes self-deprecating comments, seems helpless or hopeless, shows unexplained anger or irritability, appears anxious about specific situations or people, or seems relieved when school is canceled. SB

Physical signs can include unexplained injuries, frequent headaches or stomachaches (especially before school), changes in sleep patterns, and in severe cases, signs of self-harm. While these physical symptoms can have other causes, they warrant attention and may be connected to bullying. AAP

How to Respond When Your Child Is Being Bullied SB

Your response matters enormously—both for addressing the situation and for maintaining your child's trust.

Listen first and believe them. When your child tells you about bullying, give them your full attention. Don't interrupt, question their interpretation, or minimize what happened. Saying "that must be really hard" communicates that you hear them and take it seriously. AAP

Stay calm. Your visible anger, even if directed at the bully, can make your child less likely to share in the future. They may worry about your reaction or feel they've upset you. Take a breath before responding. SB

Gather information without interrogating. Ask open-ended questions: "Tell me more about what happened." "Where were you when this happened?" "Who was there?" Understanding the specifics helps you respond effectively. Document incidents—dates, times, what happened, who was involved, witnesses. SB

Reassure your child that it's not their fault. Many bullied children internalize blame, believing they did something to deserve the treatment. Make clear that bullying says something about the person doing it, not the target. AAP

Problem-solve together. Rather than immediately taking over, ask your child what they think might help. This preserves their sense of agency and often reveals what they most need. They may want advice, they may want you to contact the school, or they may just need to be heard. SB

Contact the school when appropriate. Work with teachers and administrators rather than confronting the other child's parents directly (which often escalates situations). Schools have protocols for addressing bullying and are generally obligated to address it. Come with documentation and specific requests for how the school will respond and follow up. AAP

Follow up consistently. Check in with your child regularly. Ask how things are going. Bullying situations often require ongoing attention rather than one-time intervention. SB

What Not to Do AAP

Some common parental responses, while well-intentioned, can make things worse.

Don't tell them to just ignore it. While ignoring can work for minor teasing, persistent bullying rarely stops when ignored. This advice can make children feel you don't understand the severity. SB

Don't tell them to fight back physically. This can escalate the situation, result in your child being punished for fighting, and doesn't address the underlying power imbalance. AAP

Don't blame your child or suggest they did something to cause the bullying. This increases shame and may prevent future disclosure. SB

Don't contact the other child's parents directly. This often escalates conflict. Work through the school, which has experience mediating these situations. AAP

Don't promise to keep it secret if your child is in danger. Make clear that your priority is keeping them safe, even if that means involving other adults. SB

Teaching Your Child to Respond SB

While you can't be present in every situation, you can help your child develop strategies for responding to bullying behavior.

Walking away and seeking out trusted adults is often the safest first response. Staying with groups of friends provides safety in numbers. Bullies often target isolated individuals. Practice confident body language—standing tall, making eye contact, speaking clearly. Confidence can deter bullies even when the child feels scared inside. SB

Help your child rehearse simple, assertive responses: "Stop. That's not okay." "Leave me alone." Delivered firmly and then walking away can be effective. The goal is not to engage in extended confrontation but to clearly communicate the behavior is unwelcome. AAP

Emphasize that telling an adult is not "tattling"—it's smart and appropriate when someone is being hurt. Many children resist telling adults because they fear being seen as weak or making the situation worse. Help them understand that getting help is a sign of strength. SB

Preventing Bullying: Building Resilience AAP

While you can't prevent all bullying, you can help build your child's resilience and reduce risk.

Foster open communication at home. Children who feel comfortable talking to parents about difficult topics are more likely to disclose bullying and seek help early. Ask open-ended questions about school, friendships, and challenges. AAP

Build your child's confidence and social skills. Children with strong friendships and social competence are less likely to be targeted and more resilient when they are. Support opportunities for your child to develop meaningful friendships through activities, sports, clubs, or other groups. SB

Teach assertiveness. Help your child understand the difference between aggressive, passive, and assertive communication. Practice standing up for themselves respectfully but firmly. AAP

Model respectful behavior. Children learn from watching adults. How you treat others—including how you talk about others when they're not present—teaches your child about respect and kindness. SB

Monitor online activity. For cyberbullying prevention, know what platforms your child uses, maintain appropriate oversight, and have ongoing conversations about digital citizenship. AAP

If Your Child Is Bullying Others AAP

Learning your child has been bullying others is difficult news, but how you respond matters enormously for their development.

Take it seriously. Minimize neither the behavior nor its impact on others. Make clear that bullying is unacceptable and will have consequences. AAP

Try to understand underlying causes. Children bully for many reasons—to fit in, because they're being bullied themselves, to feel powerful when they feel powerless elsewhere, or because they haven't developed empathy. Understanding the "why" helps you address root causes. SB

Set clear consequences while maintaining your relationship. The goal is for your child to change their behavior and develop empathy—not to shame them into hiding future problems from you. AAP

Teach empathy directly. Help your child understand how their actions affect others. Ask questions like "How do you think that made them feel?" "How would you feel if someone did that to you?" SB

Work with the school. Collaborate on interventions rather than becoming defensive. Your child needs consistent messages from adults in their life. AAP

Seek professional help if bullying behavior persists or is severe. A therapist can help address underlying issues and develop healthier social skills. AAP

When to Seek Professional Help SB

Sometimes bullying situations require more than parental and school intervention. Seek professional mental health support if bullying continues despite intervention efforts, your child shows signs of depression or anxiety, there are threats of violence in either direction, your child talks about self-harm or suicide, the bullying involves physical assault or criminal behavior, or the school is not adequately addressing the situation. SB

If your child is in immediate danger or has expressed suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7.

The Bottom Line

Bullying is never acceptable, and no child should face it alone. Whether your child is being bullied, has witnessed bullying, or has participated in bullying behavior, your engaged, calm, and persistent response makes an enormous difference.

Listen to your child, believe them, and work systematically with schools to address bullying. Build their resilience and social skills as prevention. And don't hesitate to seek professional help when situations are severe or persistent.

Clara is here to help you think through specific bullying situations, plan conversations with your child or school, or decide when professional help might be needed. Don't hesitate to ask.